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Here's a look at the
lighter side of travel...
Note: All jokes listed below are just that - meant to be funny -
and may be factually inaccurate.
Flight attendants having fun...
- "As we prepare for takeoff,
please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully
upright and in their most uncomfortable position."
- "There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane"
- "Smoking in the lavatories is
prohibited. Any person caught smoking will be asked to leave the
plane immediately."
- "Folks, we've reached our
cruising altitude, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign
off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside
the plane 'til we land...it's a bit cold outside & if you walk
on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
- "As you exit the plane, please
make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind
will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
do not leave children & spouses."
- "Last one off the plane must
clean it"
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Bob & Larry were driving through
Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started
arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back &
forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter,
Bob asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle
an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very
slowly?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr,
kiiiiiing." |
Steve is going on an ocean cruise &
tells his doctor that he's worried about getting really seasick.
The doctor tells him, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes
before you leave the dock,"
Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?"
The doctor says, "No, but it'll look really pretty in the water." |
What steps should you take if you see
a dangerous animal on your travels?
Very large ones |
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Joan, who was rather
well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on
the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but
on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there
and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard
someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so
she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me miss," said the
flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from
running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your
sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?"
Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides,
I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed
man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
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You Know You've Booked A Cheap
Flight When...
- As you board the plane, you
notice the co-pilot is frowning and wearing an "I'm with Stupid"
t-shirt.
- The Captain announces over the
intercom that the flight is delayed while he looks for his keys
- The airline mechanics, wearing
propeller beanies, seem to be pointing and laughing an awful
lot, and drinking something from inside brown paper bags.
- The grounds crew are seen using
pennies to check tire wear.
- A man with an oily rag hanging
from the back pocket of his dirty overalls and sadly shaking his
head turns out to the be the airline's CEO.
- A voice on the P.A. system warns
you to keep your heads and arms inside the aircraft at all times
while the plane is in motion.
- The air sickness bags have the
Lord's Prayer printed on them.
- Jumper cables are dangling from
the door to the cockpit.
- A man in clerical garb walks
through the plane, sprinkles all the passengers with water,
mumbles something in Latin, and exits.
- A telephone with a really long
cord connects the plane to the control tower.
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What's the difference between God and
pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot. |
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner
abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an
hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked
the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
The flight attendant responded, "The pilot was bothered by a noise
he heard in the engine, and it took us a while to find a new
pilot." |
A passenger piles his cases on the
scale at the airline counter in New York and says to the ticket
agent, "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I'd like the square case to go
to Denver, and the two round ones to go to Seattle."
The ticket agent replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."
"Why not? You did it last time!" |
Air traffic controller: "Flight 1234,
for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees"
Airline pilot: "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise
can we make up here?"
Air traffic controller: "Have you heard the noise a 747 makes when
it hits a 737?" |
A tourist being led through the swamps
of Florida asks his guide, "Is it true that an alligator won't
attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replies the guide, "on how fast you carry the
flashlight." |
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After every flight, UPS pilots fill
out a form, called a 'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about
problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the
problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be
said that grounds crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the
solutions recorded by Maintenance engineers (marked with an S).
By the way, UPS is the only major
airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost
needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land
very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode
produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main
landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more bearable level.
P: Friction locks caused throttle
lever to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperable in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperable in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under
instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with
a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget. |
 
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